Wednesday, August 31, 2016

On Vulnerability, Bipolar and How to Endure

 The blameless spend their days under the Lord’s care,
    and their inheritance will endure forever.
~Psalm 37:18 


It's the days of confusion which run into the dark of night. I have lost count of it all since those two weeks in a Budapest hospital. I cannot tell you when I started on this medicine or that one.

All I know is that it takes time, some times until eternity, to feel like yourself again. 

As the night descends, I feel myself start to shake. The darkness and the fear return. Irrational and bold, it slashes through my mind.

I ask 'how will I rest my weary head and sleep?'

There is only one person I want to talk to. My Daddy.

I call him. We talk briefly. Then I ask him to pray. He knows I am scared. He knows I need God's peace. And so He storms the gates of Heaven.

He speaks of the beauty of Christ's work. The fullness of His victory over evil. The power of redemption. The glory of the life to come.

He does everything in his power in Christ, to stand between me and evil. It has done something beautiful to anchor me to all that is good of God.

Yet still the night is cold. I shiver as I lay my head down to sleep. I ask my beloved to put his arms around me and pray me to rest. It comes. But the battle remains.

And all the while, yes all the while, I am being held.

How can I struggle so when the Lord is faithful holding me near?

The bipolar is part of the reason.

How can I trust my mind when it ought to be a dear companion, but has failed me when I needed it most?

How can I trust God, when He did not intervene to save me from the hospital?

How can I trust my husband, when he is only human and can't heal me?

In these moments I realize I must simply endure. Endure the dark of night. Its seemingly endless parade of thoughts that choke out the sleep. Endure the medicine changes. How it strips my dignity, the side effects which leave me unsure. Endure the label. All of those conversations and this whole bipolar is the proverbial elephant, but somehow, I try to keep it all normal.

Endure when I feel abandoned by God because He has not taken it all away.

Endure and learn. Learn what it is that God is always holding me. He owns me forever. He sees the end from the beginning. I am safe in His grasp. Learn the dignity of standing on my own two feet no matter what bipolar throws at me. Learn people love me and see me as {much} more than I see myself.

Learn God has not abandoned me but is allowing this pain to craft me into the image of His Son. He is the master and knows exactly what He is doing.

Let my Dad and my husband love me, even though they cannot take away the diagnosis or its pain.

Rest in all that is greater than me. Trust the divine plan. Fight. Fight. Fight.

So that in those dark nights when I am shaking, I see clearly the promise. There is another side of the ocean of pain, uncertainty and struggle. There is a heavenly shore. I am being held by hands which will feel more and more sure the further I go. There is no doubt where my journey will end. Jesus has given everything to make that true. 


One moment, one breath at a time, beloved, we will endure. Hallelujah, we will endure.


{Lots of people liked this post, my last post at a 'A Life Overseas' here it is!}


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