Monday, May 5, 2014

Pure Passion :: The Questions I Never Asked & The Language I Never Used

Welcome to the Pure Passion Series!

This is where I share my story. I’ve been confused, silent, embarrassed and ashamed about sexuality. From what I’ve been hearing, I’m not alone. I’ve walked the line of morality as a Good Christian Girl. Yet, there’s been this huge hole in my understanding of such a deeply, foundational thing. 

I’ve asked questions about everything related to God and His world since I was itty bitty. About everything, that is, except sex.

Why? Why? Why? 

I’m catching up on nearly forty years of delayed questions.

Watch out world, church, family, friends…HERE I COME!

I count it a great grace that each day is a day to begin anew. For me, this grace, has been awakening me as I learn to live a life that is both purely passionate and passionately pure.

So, let’s go back to the questions :: 

Why did I never ask about sex?  

Why is it still hard to use the word sex? 

How can I still feel shame for wanting to talk about sex, even with my husband? {This is one area that I will talk about in the coming weeks in which I’ve made great progress ;)}

How is it possible that the Church has allowed the World to take the proud offense regarding sex? What possible recourse is left to us, except a fearful defense?

How do I live in such a way to lead the next generation {in ministry and family} to a confident, redeemed view of sex?

See, I told you. I’m catching up on forty years of questions :)
And I won’t be stopped. Why? 

Because I know God is in the midst of this journey. He’s given me strength, courage, amazing support from my hubby, just-the-right-kind of encouragement through family and friends and most, a deeper understanding of the Power of the Risen Christ alive and at work through my journey. And it’s ALL for His Glory.

So, again, why did this curious-from-little girl never ask questions about sex?

Very simply, it’s the language we use or rather, don’t use.

I started this blog four years ago to Fan the Flame of my then-dead gift of writing. I quickly saw a double meaning in my desire to light the fire in myself and others to love God with everything.

I’ve adopted language like free, wild, full, abandoned, naked, and raw without a second thought. It’s because I was talking about my relationship with God. But, until recently, I wouldn’t have used those words here, in a public way, to describe the love and intimacy {sex} in my marriage.

This is because I have always been encouraged to pour out my heart to God. I experienced the language of devotion regarding God through my parents and others. I’ve read the Psalms and the Song of Solomon, lighting the fire in my heart of pure passion... for God.

Over 400 years ago, Poet John Donne, of the Puritan era, used beautifully {& shockingly?} graphic language to describe union with God.  From Holy Sonnet 14 ::

Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town to another due,
Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be lov'd fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy;
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
{emphasis added}

Wow. Right?

Yet, there's been this duplicity. Intimate expression towards God flowing freely while a deeply beautiful part of me is bound behind a wall of misplaced shame; unable to speak freely about sex. The dangers of promiscuous sex, I heard talked about. How it all can become corrupted. Important, yes. But, what about the Beauty of Sex? God’s original design fully redeemed in Christ intended to intimately reflect union with Him? 

I’ve allowed an unmistakable, unnatural and seemingly unmovable wall to close me in. I’ve been stuck in deep patterns that have kept me silent when I was meant to be free to sing, laugh, love as sex becomes an act of worship that husband and wife give to God. And He smiles. {truly, He does.}

It’s one step at a time, though they have been getting easier for me. It’s a paradigm shift where silence and shame are replaced by sharing life, words and heart. It is bringing me great joy and hope.

I want that for you too. 

So, let’s start talking :)

Joining Kelli, Laura and Jen.

Next Time :: Pure Passion :: From Duty to Beauty {Sex in Marriage}


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