Monday, May 12, 2014

Pure Passion :: From Holding Back to Running Free {and why my mom is proud of #purepassion}

Welcome to the Pure Passion Series!

I've started talking.

A lot.

It's not that I didn't talk before {just ask my friends, family & hubby;}

It's that I didn't talk about sex. A word that has been hard to write, and even more, to say out loud, face-to-face.

I've been on a journey as to why that is true. This series is that journey. I’m sharing it out in the open for anyone to read. It’s crazy, I know.

And yet I am no stranger to crazy. My husband and I gave up stability and jobs and home culture for a new country, language and a bunch of unknowns. We did it all because we know God has called us.

This is the life of faith, of learning to be God’s in this world. It’s big and little yes’s that sometimes are easy, but, a lot of other times are hard. Like writing this series and taking that first step into a big unknown. Will I be laughed at, scorned, thought to be weird? Can I survive if this happens?

But, I’m starting to hear more loudly the other side of the doubts. I’m coming alive to the amazing possibilities of the abundant life Jesus promises in John 10:10. It’s a verse that has often been misconstrued to mean something totally different than what Jesus intended.

He meant us to be in Him and His Gospel in a way that nothing can shake. He wants us to live like the eternal life and forever Home he offers with Himself is where we are going and NOTHING will change that.

Where am I going with all of this? I thought you would know by now;)

This month marks 12 years since my mom went Home to Heaven. The same mom who gave me a book on gerbils to explain the birds and the bees.  After a little research, I found out Susie’s Babies is actually about hamsters. Turns out sex wasn’t the only thing I was confused about after reading it.

I can’t wait to see her again. To laugh about it all. And most, to rejoice together, before the Love of Eternity in face-to-face relationship with Christ. It’s where everything is headed. Even sex.

Before she died, my Mom gave a type of command to me. It came to me by my sister and was said in the final days of her ability to communicate. This is what she said ::

“Don’t hold back.”

So many times I’ve wanted to shake her for saying something that can be interpreted in so many ways. That is, until recently, when I’ve started to understand.

I probably always did.

You see, my mom knew me so well. She’d seen me hemmed in by fear and running free in faith. Her heart’s desire, just like God’s, was that I would choose to be free.

As lots of lights have been going on, chasing away that cloudy confusion that shrouded my understanding of sexuality, I can see how fear takes away so much when it comes to sex.

There’s the fear of being exposed, naked and vulnerable, only to be found wanting. This is when I live in lies that I am not enough. But also, I think that God somehow wants to take away everything but give nothing.  I KNOW, REALLY, REALLY KNOW that these are lies. 

Yet, how am I living?

There are no guarantees of how things will turn out in this life. Tragedy fills our news feeds and comes in a million ways each day. For me, and I think many women, this can lead to a lot of fear. We become afraid to risk.

But, it’s in the risk that we step past fear and experience life. It’s how God intends it to be. Because in the risk, we need to trust Him. We live out of the truth that He is good, nothing can separate us from Hislove, and that love is ultimately perfect, casting out all fear.

You see, no matter how wonderful our husbands are, there are heart places that open the door to deeper, fuller intimacy {yes, great sex} that they cannot open for us. This is something only we, in faith, can do. And we need to recognize that fulfilling sex is something God wants for our marriages, but also for us as women.

We also need to see that there is an Enemy, a Great Liar, who is trying to stop that from happening. When we experience walls, the things that hold us back, we need to find the right kind of fight. We aren’t fighting our husbands, but the One who is a thief and seeks to steal and kill and destroy our marriages.

So, when we learn to run free in the bedroom the angels rejoice. There is victory in our silly, crazy, sexy journey. We’re willing to try new things. And when they don’t go well, we laugh and so do our husbands. We live in faith that we will experience God through sex as we keep choosing freedom instead of fear. And we don’t give up. 

And we help each other to remember. It is a great journey, but it IS a journey. There will still be exhaustion, stress, struggles, fears and doubts, but the choice is clear. And running free is how we are meant to be.

Are you with me? Would your mama be proud? I know mine is.

Sharing with Kelli, Jen, Laura  and Sheila

Join me next time for Pure Passion :: From Need-to-Control to Letting Go


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