Tuesday, June 12, 2012

when you realize it’s all quite hard

Hősök tere :: Heroe’s Square

where one of the first flash mobs to go global came to be

I’ll be honest.

It’s hard to write these days…which is exactly why I know I need to keep at it.

I find myself in this {almost} constant inner battle of gauging what I am supposed to be feeling like in this new life.  And I am haunted by the question, ‘is it really supposed to be this hard?’

We climbed a mountain, or so it seemed, to get here, but I am wondering if it was really just a part of the foothills.

There are things that are coming to be that I feel like should instantly fill me with joy, but I am tossed about inside by all that is new and difficult to know.

Every day ‘Jesus Calling’ is about letting go of worry, fear and seeking to control.  Every day it is what I need to hear.  And every day, though I know the truth I am to claim, it seems so evasive.

Honestly, why is it this hard?  To know, simply, how to live? 

Part of it, I know, is the pull between all of these things I feel like require all of me.  Wife and support to husband taking the lead into this new world.  Missionary with a constant overflowing love & zeal for these people.  Friend, daughter, sister, auntie to the many that I can SKYPE with, facebook message, etc. across the ocean. Mama to two little loves in such tender places in their lives, that when I think of them, I want to cry for how I am so weak and failing them.  Then, there is the domestic engineer unpacking and organizing this life, I think, to help us live in a settled and more peaceful way.  Oh, and there’s the language learner that wants to run at and tackle a really hard language with all I can and somewhere in there I’m supposed to remember that I’m pregnant and put my feet up every once in a whileWinking smile

I know my discontent is that I feel like I am doing none of these well and just think I am a complete failure at it all.  Why is it so hard and why can’t I get it together?

And yet here I write at Fan the Flame and I want that fire to consume all others.  I know that there will be no peace in endless standards…I have lived enmeshed and miserable and struggled for Grace and Freedom too much in my life to go back. 

The truth is that we’re here because the time is short.  We have one life to live and only what is done for eternity will last.  And everything feels like it fits into that calling, so I get confused.  I need to learn the language as an expression of love for this nation and to achieve a level of independence that will help us thrive and stay the course.  My house can’t be a disaster or it won’t be a place that we can invite others into.  I absolutely need to love & encourage my husband as he learns the language and seeks to minister full-time.  And these precious children, they have had so much change, and their daddy and I are the constants through it all.  If our family fails, nothing else will matter.

And all I can say is that I know I don’t have the strength to do any of this well.  This life is stripping me bare and the sense of failure, I know, is a part of the journey, BUT absolutely not the destination.  All of this sums up a life where I desperately need a Saviour who with every waking thought reminds me of His sufficiency.

This is the mess and the gut-wrenching reality of walking through a life where I need God.  This is the life that makes the way for dying that I might really live.  This is the life that when anything good springs up I fall to my knees and give Glory to God.  This is the life that makes much of Him.

Oh Gracious, Precious God.  I praise You for the Cross.  That I can write vulnerably on a blog and not qualify it because You are my strength, my life, my songI live and move and have my being in You.  I can do nothing good apart from You.  I need you.  I am desperate for You.  None other will satisfy…You Alone are my secure dwelling and show me how to live these moments when it all closes in.  You Alone can fill me with love, joy, peace…all of Your fruits.  I affirm again that I choose no other life than the life where I need You.  This is the only one worth living and the only way to beholding You.  Make my life a sweet song, a pleasing aroma in this new home.  For Your Glory Alone,

Amen

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