Tuesday, September 13, 2011

when you think you know what surrender means…

{Random pics of my kids, because I love them and my son's smiles with this little bunny}

Oh friends!  These days…

We have re-located to a gracious missionary housing provision, however it has uprooted us yet again.  We {prayerfully} believe that this will be the last move before the BIG move over the ocean.

I realized that it was both real at the time and prophetic, to pen this poem in July: 

In the Uprooting

In the uprooting
I surrender my life
my plans
my purposes.
In the uprooting
I let go
of what passes away.
In the uprooting
I give Him back
the life I owe.
In the uprooting
Good gifts return
to the Giver.
In the uprooting
False securities
are stripped away.
In the uprooting
I find Who and
Whose I am.
In the uprooting
I learn what it is
to be sustained by Him.
In the uprooting
I become a wanderer
an exile
a traveler longing for Home.
so that, in the uprooting
the lost and
hopeless may find
the way to Love.
AWA 7/3/11

It seems as though these days I am learning, yet again, to push past the limits of my own endurance and to relinquish more and more of what I think I need to be sustained.

I have been kicking and screaming, a bit at it allSad smile

the lack of car as we gave our second away in Florida before we went to Colorado
the lack of any piece of furniture to call our own {unless a pac-n-play counts?}
the lack of a reliable internet connection since we came to Pennsylvania close to one and a half months ago
the lack of schedule as ours seems to change constantly and we struggle for any kind of ‘normal’
the lack of community as we are seeking to embrace as much as we can with what we have here, even as our feet are fitted with the Gospel of Peace ready-to-go to another land
the lack of identity in anything that would be easy to pick up and place over me {ministry involvement, church commitment, small group teaching, ‘nester’Winking smile}
the lack of peace I have allowed this all to create in me…

Our Precious Lord is so gracious, AMEN?!  I had the privilege to go with my mother-in-love and sister-in-love to the 'Living Proof Live' simulcast at a local church {any of you at another simulcast? there were 180,000 in 12 countries who took part!} He reminded me through Beth Moore, that 'He does not overlook a single 'me' in the greater 'we'' .

I realized that the anger and frustration my heart was spewing was an anger towards God.  Thinking He's forgotten me and just wants to take away and that I don't really matter to Him.  Given my upbringing, I still can find it hard to question God or be real from my heart concerning Him.  What a privilege Psalms 62:8 continues to call us all to:

Psalm 62:8 (ESV)

 8Trust in him at all times, O people;
   pour out your heart before him;
   God is(C) a refuge for us.

I love how it is clear in this one golden nugget of a verse that 'trusting Him at all times' does not mean we don't question or aren't real with the Lord, BUT, rather, BECAUSE WE TRUST HIM WHO SEES IT ALL AND LOVES US STILL, we are called to enact that trust by pouring our frail humanity and its mix of emotions, doubts, fears, struggles out to Him.

I also love how the Lord is helping me to see that I don't have to be the 'solo warrior' leading the battle through this final leg of support-raising till we are given approval to make our move overseas.  He is the One leading the battle and He simply calls me to be His and allow Him to touch the hearts of the many with whom we are 'refrigerator famous;)' {MANY OF YOU!} who remind me of their prayers, interceding for us.  He reminds me of how it has always been Him leading us to this point--His beautiful and good tapestry and He will bring both this phase and our whole lives to completion.

I hope you are encouraged in the midst of your own surrender.  Whether it seems forced upon You by circumstances or you are choosing to follow Him and it involves some big letting go, there really is no difference, I am seeing.  Control is only a mirage--He alone is King of Kings and Lord of Lords and Sovereign over all.  The fullness of my life, seeing Him and manifesting Him before a watching world is reflected by how deeply I am trusting it is He who guides and directs it all and He is good.  And when I fail and fall and mess up as I most certainly will, in His grace He offers millions of chances to embrace surrender and receive He who is Life.

Yours Lord and Yours Friends,
Faithfully Fanning the Flame,


Joining with Jen at Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood

Finding Heaven


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