Upon the happening of seeming ‘random’ events in a world colored chaos I search for the bright pieces of faith to form a strand of clarity and wrap me up and all of the oh-so-many hurting...
We were on the way to the doctor and I thought how they hadn’t called to confirm and would I still get in? I had worked and packed us all up to get there on. time. And it’s all the remembering that winds me in that tight ball of stress for all of the ‘what if’s’ and i cannot take it but do the best that I can.
I allow myself to sit for a couple of minutes, enough to read these words which are off-one-day in Sarah Young’s ‘Jesus Calling’
“Let My Presence override everything you experience. Like a luminous veil of Light, I hover over you and everything around you. I am training you to stay conscious of Me in every situation you encounter.”
And so we go and I take both kids and on our way a near accident ahead that would have hurt us too. I think of that Light around us protecting us…pure gift. we remain on our way. And three-year-old-son says “What’s wrong?” and I say, “Somebody was not doing a good job on the road.” and he says, “I’m sorry.” And I think, “Oh, I am sorry too, son, that the world is not as it should be and grief and near accidents and death and disease are our inheritance as sons of fallen Adam…”
And then we enter. They do not have us on the books. But they will fit us in. Son is entertained by “Finding Nemo” and almost doesn’t join us in the back, but does. Baby down to her diaper and traumatized and son needs. the. bathroom. It is not going well. Baby on the floor of dirty bathroom. I wash us all with unfit tools and do my best to clean this mess. I wonder at all that is going on in my brain and remember that ‘luminous veil of Light’ and the further of this same reflection
'”When the patriarch Jacob ran away from his enraged brother, he went to sleep on a stone pillow and the land seemed desolate. But after dreaming about heaven and angels and promises of My Presence, he awoke and exclaimed: “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it.” His discovery is not only for him, but for all who seek Me.”
And I say ‘Lord, You are here. Thank you for all of this mess. You are in it.’ And I rush to the examining room thinking I’d missed the doctor as he is not there. He comes a little while later and I apologize certain he had come earlier.
He the heart-of-gold but strong and professional to care for little ones many years and six of his own the last adopted from Guatemala when he was almost a Grandpa and looking down still pulling himself together says, “no, I was just with a family who lost a child. It is just so, so hard.” And tears in his eyes and mine are pricked and we understand. Oh preciousness of life. Oh these kids in their messes are here and pure gift.
I murmur something of ‘Praise the Lord’ they are healthy. I mean it down deep but it falls shallow and breaks in loud painful noise hurting my ears.
We finish and he says, ‘Have a great Christmas’ and we look again and eyes of understanding meet and this. these kids. alive and here. are pure gift.
Why should I not have been the family who had lost? Why do I have healthy, beautiful little ones? And like waterfalls of remembrance come the oh-so-many who have lost. Friends who have buried little ones that never made it home. Friends who brought home healthy babies only to lose a few weeks later. Missionary friends gone to places no.one.enters.in His Name losing their two year-old son in unexplainable tragedy while they were ‘safe’ near home. Husband and dad gone the other side of the world to see His Kingdom Come. gone Home. Forever with Jesus. He oh-so-young with five wee ones left…the youngest not a year…And now these new ones whose names I will never know but He knows. They with unbearable grief in a waiting room next door and me with my two healthy ones.
I break down as I share with my husband. He is with the brother who lost his own and is finding strength to continue. Wants to know more of He who is Hope. Pure gift. Undeserved. All is gift. No room for complaining hearts…yes they will come…and there is Grace…but remembrance so, so close sheds the scales and pours over.
I walk in the early evening to clear my head as I carry this family in my heart next door in a waiting room at an appointment that wasn’t in the books and intercede and feel the sharp cold of air. A place where it is to be warm. It is too cold and a robin struggles for song and I pray His breath may warm her . I plead with Heaven to do what I am helpless to do. I hear clear the ending:
“Whenever you feel distant from Me, say: “Surely the Lord is in this place!” Then, ask Me to give you awareness of My Presence. This is a prayer that I delight to answer.”
(all reflections from December 5th reading…)
And my desperate cry reaches and I pray theirs comes and He is in that, sorrowful, grief-laden place. The doctor who loves and cares and lives to protect but is helpless in a world diseased and loses a battle for life. A family that must go. on. A brother that is searching for legacy. For a world colored chaos to bleed crimson and make white as snow.